Cupid's bow or poisoned arrow?

I hope my wife doesn’t read this as I’m not sure she is exempt from criticism, but speaking as a bloke who has received a fair number of Valentines gifts over the years*, I feel I must complain about the overall standard of tokens of affection I’ve been given. At this point I should make it clear that I’ve never been a huge fan of ‘expected spontaneity’ and I usually don’t bother with such things, indeed, I consider myself an incurable romantic 24/7.

I’ve lost count of the pairs of humorous boxer shorts; cufflinks engraved with supposedly important messages and monogramed socks that I’ve unwrapped with trepidation on February 14th. You would have thought that I had perfected my ‘Aah that’s great – thanks ever so much’ look that my partner’s heart would melt. While I may do a passable impression on the outside, inside I’m thinking ‘Oh for goodness sake, couldn’t you have just got me some beer?

So on behalf of the male population of this country, can I please appeal to their wives, girlfriends, fiancés, lovers or sweethearts to visit our website and get them something they will be genuinely glad to receive – the finest British beer in bottles. We even have the facility to personalise our beers with your own wording and choice of photograph – delivered to you within 24 hours. Ideal for both the hopelessly romantic and the hopelessly disorganised.

*This is in no way a reflection on my ability to attract members of the opposite sex, but is merely another example of how long in the tooth I have become.